Monday, March 26, 2018

Not Today

There are just some things that you can't teach to people. Sometimes you just have to let them fall and feel the pain for themselves. No words nor advice can make them see. But what about those sincere? How do you be fair to them?

Only Allah understands this pain. Only Him and His Words can heal. 

Sunday, March 18, 2018

A Disguised Blessing

I don't know..

It's weird to start a post with this phrase. But I know not any other ways to better convey what I felt the moment I put down the mic, bowed a thanks against the audience, and turned to go backstage.

It was like a fleeting dream. When I was upon the hill and spoke to a million hearts, it was almost like everything I had ever wished to speak about. I have had so many ideas about humanity, about love and compassion, about commitment that I wanted to share.

When I spoke, I saw those eyes. Some empty, sleepy, thrilled, understanding, watery, crying, confused. Every single emotions I could think of, they were there right in front of me.

One by one - word by word - I spoke. Slowly.. With every breath I take and let, was like a doa and hope I sailed to the skies above. I prayed for everyone that has ever mattered to me and my heart. Everyone that has ever gave me happiness even for a little while. Everyone that has ever made me feel I'm the most important person in their life, at least at one point in their life.

Aku niatkan. Satu persatu hajat aku panjatkan. Semoga mereka bahagia dengan kehidupan mereka.

Mungkin aku susah memaafkan kesalahan orang. Tapi aku lebih kenal diri aku. Aku sebenarnya susah memaafkan diri sendiri. Dan aku tak boleh lupakan kesalahan diri sendiri. Dan aku tenggelam dalam resah gelisah, dalam rasa bersalah. Lemas dalam pekatnya darah yang hangat mengalir dari mata aku.

Jujur aku penat cuba berenang ke tebing.

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Inner Stillness and Overflowing Peace

Sainthood is excellence manifest. The saint has returned to her primordial condition of submission and acceptance.

She is concerned with the welfare of others. She is compassionate and kind. She has an inner stillness and her peace overflows, but she sees no need to engage in pretentious displays of religiosity. She does not expect the universe to serve her, and knows that whatever reaches her is always from His Mercy.

Monday, January 29, 2018


No matter how much you love her, she's the one person you can never be with. 

Stay. Away.  


Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Two Souls'

your songs and mine,

Feet, touching, lingering.

Warmth in the summer heat.

Passing lives, passed.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Finally, To Take Step Without Feet

Hey, I made it.

"You gave and you gave and every part of yourself that you had given away, you've received, you've learned, you got parts of all the people you've inspired and loved given sincerely to you. 

Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Student and The Teacher

Listen, oh little drop, give yourself up without regret,
and you'll gain the Ocean.
Listen, oh little drop, bestow upon yourself this honor,
and in the great Ocean you will be secure.

Monday, December 18, 2017


Today was probably the most tiresome I have ever felt. Not because I didn't like what I was doing. Not because I didn't love whom I was teaching. Au contraire. It was because out of love, that had once again filled my heart, I picked up my pen and books and reopened them for you. Even if it meant I'll be making days like today scheduled. I chose to pick up myself, picked up pieces that I had chipped along the way to you all. I love seeing your smiles and harmonious agreement and sleepy nods and hesitant way of telling me you're tired and your fiery spirit at the mention of 'we're done'. Believe me, I know and I still love you.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

And The Waltz Goes On

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

[051217] - Hari Pertama Si Syita'

Hari ini hari penting dalam hidup aku.

Perlahan-lahan sedang belajar curate artikel dari serata industri. Walaupun belajar di bidang Medicine, membaca tentang banyak isu sentiasa menjadi favorite pastime aku. Tech, science, finance, business, physics, astrophysics, geography, poetry, psychology, medicine, religion, language and more - semua aku kaut. At least aku tahu tentang sesuatu topik walaupun tidak in-depth. Nak kata secara surface pun, insyaallah tak juga. Buktinya?

Wednesday, November 29, 2017


My view for the next 12 months. Thank you for always supporting me.

"Bangkit balik."

Monday, November 27, 2017

Saturday, November 25, 2017

[251117] - Enough

"I used to think the years would go by in order, that you get older one year at a time. But it’s not like that. It happens overnight."

- Haruki Murakami, Dance, Dance, Dance

Thursday, November 23, 2017

There's Something About Autumn

There's something about autumn.. 

There's something about autumn, 
that breathes the ending into beginnings and closure to all love stories.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Favorite Part

"This is my favorite part in the Quran. Someday, read it to me."



قَدِ افْتَرَيْنَا عَلَى اللَّهِ كَذِبًا إِنْ عُدْنَا فِي مِلَّتِكُمْ بَعْدَ إِذْ نَجَّانَا اللَّهُ مِنْهَا ۚ وَمَا يَكُونُ لَنَا أَنْ نَعُودَ فِيهَا إِلَّا أَنْ يَشَاءَ اللَّهُ رَبُّنَا ۚ وَسِعَ رَبُّنَا كُلَّ شَيْءٍ عِلْمًا ۚ عَلَى اللَّهِ تَوَكَّلْنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا افْتَحْ بَيْنَنَا وَبَيْنَ قَوْمِنَا بِالْحَقِّ وَأَنْتَ خَيْرُ الْفَاتِحِينَ.

 [7 : 89]

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

[151117] - Nuskhah Maqārā

Ustaz Muktasyaf
Quick update:

I've been mulling over this for almost four months now. Well it was actually a lot longer. Probably since a year ago but never had the time to carve out a working plan for it cause of, well, stuffs. Alhamdulillah managed to outline them, managed to schedule and insya-Allah I will be releasing a methodical book plan to hafaz the Quran.

I'd like to call it نسخة مقارى (Nuskhah Maqārā). I was sure it's out there somewhere but since I couldn't find it I might as well make one.

Friday, November 10, 2017

[101117] - When You Choose

Photo by Trina Christian on Unsplash

A soft thud. 

I closed the back cover, exhaling a wistful sigh as I stretched my back slowly against the pillow cushion. I smiled, looking over at the pair of young brown eyes looking back into me, wondering what else I was going to say.

It was accustomed to her, my dear Ily Solehah, that I would usually end our bedtime story with a lesson. After all, we've been on so many adventures with every possible book I have had since I was her age. There was always something to talk about.

But this time, it was a bit different.

There's a happy conclusion. An ending that we would make up and fought over and finally agreed upon together. She was giddy, bouncing up and down on the mattress. Four years-old and already this heavy huh, you must have taken after your mother.

She loved Ms. Fitz, so did I. She wonders about the adventures of Jack and Anne, their magical abode high in the trees - so did I. She loves hearing riddles of ancient civilizations - so did I.

"Papa," she quipped, "hurry up." She's doing the sideways-rocking thing again. Hey, I know where you picked that up from kiddo.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Period of Stay: 7/12/2017

I can't believe how time flies by so fast when you don't look at it. I still remember the first time I boarded the plane to Cairo. It was on the night of 27th of September 2012. Wasn't much of a fanfare, really. The occasional tears, the occupationary hugs, and the occlusive goodbye kisses.

As I round-hugged my family members and brother's in-laws, I remember dropping the floodgate and let those emotions run through. If I am going to cry, I am not going to cry alone, I thought. It'd be months before I see them again. Years before my mind came back as a whole again. This may as well be the last time I see you. Right here, at this gate.

Vows were exchanged. Promises pinkied. Forgiveness asked. A promise, to come back only when I am done. To come home as a full-doctor. A human. A changed human.

And while some others began tearing up at the entry gates right before boarding, hanging to their last phone calls considering it'd be the first time a big majority of them ever boarded an airplane, I understood how terrifying it could be.

But I don't forget my promises. Ever. Things could have change. Things may have change. And things do change. But I don't ever forget the promises I made. I know I can't always keep them, but I won't allow those who love me see me fail. When you truly love someone, you don't fail them or let them fail you. You fight even a losing battle. You - can do it. And you - must do it.

As I sat alone at the end of the chilled metal bench, looking out the ceiling-high windows, rains pattering against the glass laid back on a black cold canvas - I could almost see my colleagues' breaths fogged up the glass. Those breaths contained first hopes. Budding hopes. And beyond those tapestry of prayers, a silent white machine hummed majestic, eager to help fulfill those destinies it'd be carrying.

While others sobbed and said sorry to their loved ones, I sat alone, deep in my thoughts. Rehearsing my future years. Yes, I didn't know what plans laid bare for me in those dark nights. Those rains that came down was the perfect moment for prayers so prayed I did. A hell lot of them. 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


I had a dream about you. We were old. Probably 80s. You were on your ward room bed in your hospital gown. I saw your frail white hair and shrunken skin.

I shakingly held your cheeks between my palms and gazed down your brown eyes. And I saw the tiny speck of cloud in your right eye.

"Bus fuuk. Bus yamiin. Bus taht," I checked. "Hmm. You have glaucoma," my thin worn voice whispered.

You smiled and  waved, "Pfft it's fine".

I leaned in and kissed your forehead.