Wednesday, March 9, 2011

ever so kind

اللّهمّ إِشْفِ شِفَاءً لا يُغَادِرُ سَقَمًا

To ponder over something that has long gone, to seek for something that is no longer there, to smile at those pasts and beforeness, to pick up those precious gems of recollections, to dwell on the notion over an obligated sacrifice, to be what I am destined for, to continue bearing the pain..

Yet so vague over the remnants of the beautiful feelings that used to be there.

Yes, I was mistaken. I just didn't know. I was lost. Alone in the darkness and estrangement. Hands in the dark, reaching and searching for something - blindly trying to get my way through. And it was in those darkest hours that I tripped, stumbled, fell into a gripping and terrifying ravine.. but failing every bit of attempt to see what hit me at those times. When I looked behind my back, all I could see was pitch blackness and shrieking emptiness, void of even the slightest hint of light. There was nothing I could lay my eyes on. So I, arrogant and egoistic as ever, shrugged, turned around and continued to walk the deviated path, without seeing where I was going. I held on to believe that I was right. The fact that nobody had the right to tell me what to do. Ignorance is bliss? Heck, that is the easiest way to ruin one's life. An easy way to a very, very hard end.

And I was unknowingly walking to that end.

It wasn't hard actually, to realize where I was going and what path had I took. All I needed was one simple question : "What am I doing??". And then suddenly, the light that I had lost for so long emerged out of nowhere. Everything was illuminated. When I turned around, I saw them: the hands around me that had been trying so hard to hold and guide me all this while - but easily ignored, the frustations and disappointments ,the big and little thorns I purposedly left behind, the blackest mistakes I've done, the pools of tears I caused, shredded hopes, shattered hearts.. everything. And it was this very question that caused them to echo violently in my mind..

"What happened to you?? You've changed!"

BAM! Guilt panged without the dearest mercy, and I fell to my knees. I just couldn't believe what I saw. Everything. I trembled at the hideous monster I'd allow myself to become. That creature in the mirror who hurted so many. How could I be just so.. cruel??  

And "I'm sorry" was all I could force out of me. Horrible.

..أستغفر الله العظيم.. أستغفر الله العظيم.. أستغفر الله العظيم

Allah oh Allah, please and please, be with me! Guide me, test me, forgive me. Please don't let me go astray once more. Please, don't let me be far from You..

I don't want to lose You..
Never ever, not even once.

Do know that this is no longer a blame game, not even to myself. The only reason a piece of the complexity in my mind purposely 'lives' here is because all of these aren't something I can just forget. And I have my own reasons why I won't.


Dear Heart,

I know too well how you feel. I know every feelings of pain, happiness, sadness, love, missing, endearing and hope that washed through you every moment. I feel what you're feeling, and I am with you. I too am human, with you so stubborn yet fragile inside me. Still, no matter how possessive you may be, I am your master. Allah promised that.

Do know that for everything that happened, there is a reason why. I did what I had to. You may not know the answer now, but along the winding road we are going to take together, through the ups and downs of life we'll be enduring, the harder tests we are yet to face up ahead - we will find the answer. I know that sometimes, it's utterly too painful for you to bear. I know how it felt to have your whole 'world' crashing for a decision so unbelievable. But hey, it was just a test for you and me. A testament to prove our love for Him. He knows we love Him, so that's why He tested us - He missed us.

There is no reason to remember those bitter memories and lament them. We'll just take a quick peek behind, and move on for our entire life. Yes yes, I know how painful it is to leave a finite love - something we shouldn't be involved in the first place - to go after His Love far above and here, inside and closest to us deep within you. But it's a must. Remember, for every painful sacrifice we give Him, won't there be the sweetest reward awaiting us?

Be strong ok? Don't let yourself be swayed by the beauty of the world and downed by the tests from Him. Never give up. Islam needs syababs who are united and knows the value of a deen. I may not see the changes I long to see, but I badly hope I can be among those pioneering them.

Stay true to what you hold on all this while. In you, there will always be exclusive places for our Rabb, our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW, my parents, my brothers and sisters of Islam, and my fated soulmate, strictly. She will be His gift for me, and she deserves a 'first-hand' place inside you. Never a second. If I ever forget this, remind me. And I will listen.

"Jaga hati ya akhi."

There will be much more to give and sacrifice on this journey. It'll never be easy and He, the Most Knowing and Loving, promised that. But He did promised guidance and hidayah, we only have to ask. The best of all, He also promised a beautiful rainbow - if we're lucky, two - after every downpour. Be with me, and we shall go through this together.

ان شاء الله  :)


Izzati said...

For the last sentence, thank u!

AhmaD MuizZ said...

terharu btol bace perbualan hati 2...

great entry bro!!

salam mujahadah...