Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Twentieth June, Two Thousand Seventeen

"We're all crazy here. We're all a little mad."

Kita pernah dilanda hujan sepanjang perjalanan yang kita lalui. Kita pernah menghadap terik matahari yang tak tahu kita sedang cuba menghindarinya. Kita pernah melawan arus sungai yang deras. Kita pernah menyelami lautan.

Kita pernah melihat matahari itu terbit, bersama. Kita pernah memandang bulan purnama, lalu kita terdiam, terpesona.

Monday, June 12, 2017


Kamu boleh menulisku bila mahu.

Kamu boleh jadikan aku kalimat tanya dan soal, sekaligus menulis sendiri jawapannya. Kamu boleh menjadikanku kalimat pernyataan, walaupun berupa berbagai kiasan yang tafsirannya takkan pernah lelah kita bahas dan ertikan. Sebagaimana kita selalu lakukan, atau kamu sudah lupa?

Kamu pun boleh menulisku sebagai angka. Menjadikan aku hari, minggu, bulan, tahun dan saban waktu kala kamu berjuang menjadi diri sendiri di hari muka. Membawa bilangan harapan dan doa dan kudrat dan pengalaman - tak terkirakan. Atau menjadikan aku angka yang menunjukkan waktu-waktu tertentu saat kau dilabuh kesepian.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Place Behind It All

I was not suicidal in that 'woe is me' type of way. I did not consider myself a victim or blamed anything on anyone but myself. I didn't see the world as this horrible oh so cruel world that was impossible to live in.

I was suicidal in that I desperately needed everything to stop. I desperately wanted to not exist. To disappear. To not matter. To be lost in non existence. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To just fade as if I was never important. Never real.

To not feel suffocated and confused. Numb but screaming. Erratic and panicked like I was drowning.

The exhaustion pushing me to the edge in that I wanted to stop trying to swim to shore. To just sink to the bottom and swallowed by the darkness.

That's what it felt like.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Our Garden

The tears of Heaven scatter
deep in my heart they abide
upon the bushes of lavender
they pelt alone far and wide.

I wish desperately to remember
the days of evergreens and wildflower
but this bereavement is ruthless,
so hollow it carved me helpless.

This grief inexplicable, the loss unbearable;
the roses withered in sorrow so poignant.
Inside I crumbled, an empty facade in my shamble
And my legs betrayed me beneath the old linden.

I shiver in the cold like any other nights, Mother
The tempest nights of nightmares and reverie
That I dream of you by my side, a frightened fleur
and hold me in your embrace so warm and free.

Sometimes it’s too hot the thistle bends,
And the snowdrops hanged meek to the barren fence.
Sometimes the gates of Heavens would shatter,
Washing away the lone night’s pain and prayer.

My fraught whimpers are nothing but sober and sere
mere words don’t linger long, they don’t linger here.
For they are echoed in songs into the auburn evening
and my thinned broken smile they portended nothing.

But I miss you

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

"Please don't."

Salam. Aku bukan pelajar IIUM pun tapi aku nak kongsi pengalaman aku yang baru sahaja di diagnosed dengan depression beberapa bulan lalu. Tak tahu admin akan share atau tidak but here it goes.
Aku pelajar Tahun 3 Medik di India. Universiti kami mengamalkan sistem 2 tahun kelas teori dan baki 3 tahun klinikal dan aku sekarang kiranya di tahun pertama klinikal.
Pada sekitar November 2016, di awal posting pertama hospital, aku perasan sesuatu dengan diri aku. Aku tiada selera makan, tak boleh tidur, elak diri daripada jumpa kawan, suka bersendirian, hilang motivasi belajar sampai skip kelas, hilang minat membaca (hobi aku membaca), dan paling serius sekali bagi aku, aku rasa sedih yang amat dan nak menangis je tak kira masa.
Ada satu masa tu, aku tengah clerk case. Patient depan mata aku, aku menangis! Aku fikir, “Eh gila ke apa aku ni?” Aku cepat cepat lap air mata dan sambung examine patient sebelum orang lain perasan. Ada masa pada waktu malam ketika aku tengah jalan balik dari hospital ke hostel, perasan sedih tu kuat sangat hanya Allah je tahu masa tu sampaikan aku jatuh terduduk menangis dalam gelap.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017


Hendaklah engkau menjadi orang yang besar, yang sanggup memikul cinta yang besar.

Kalau tak begitu, engkau akan beroleh cinta yang rendah dan murah, engkau menjadi pencium bumi, engkau akan jatuh ke bawah, tak jadi naik ke dalam benteng yang kuat dan teguh, benteng yang gagah perkasa yang sukar ditempuh oleh manusia biasa.

Kerana tugu cita-cita hidup itu berdiri di seberang kekuasaan dan kemelaratan yang diletakkan oleh kerinduan itu sendiri.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Mencipta Bahagia

Apakah yang paling ditakuti sang mentari pagi, selain awan mendung dinihari
yang menghalangi cahayanya bias, yang menutupi ruang sinarnya langit

Apakah yang paling ditakuti sang rembulan senja, selain awan kelam malam
yang mencadar kelambu gelap, yang menghitamkan ruang cemerlangnya bintang

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Friday, April 7, 2017


Di hati Muslim adalah nama Muḥammad. 
Seluruh kemuliaan kita datangnya dari nama Muḥammad. 
Gunung Sinai hanyalah olakan bagi habuk di rumahnya. 
Kaabah yang suci adalah tempat kediamannya.
Keabadian adalah sedikit dibandingkan sedetik masanya. 
Keabadian bertambah oleh hakikatnya.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Berjalan Ke Hujung Asa

Kasr El-Nil Bridge, Cairo

Biarkan saja mentari panas menyeka peluh asa
biarkan saja jingga kembali ke peraduannya
biarkan saja sakit ini menusuk di dada
asalkan semua tak menjelma dalam jiwa

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Kepada Pemeluk Teguh

Kepada pemeluk teguh

Dalam termangu 
Aku masih menyebut namamu 

Biar susah sungguh 
Mengingat Kau penuh seluruh 

 CayaMu panas suci 
Tinggal kerdip lilin di kelam sunyi 

Tuesday, February 28, 2017


Kau cuma perlukan hati yang penuh Budi. Jiwa yang penuh Cinta
Dan kau mampu jadi orang yang berbakti.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Thursday, February 16, 2017


Memory is a funny thing. When I was in the scene, I hardly paid it any mind. I never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression, certainly never imagined that eighteen years later I would recall it in such detail. I didn't give a damn about the scenery that day.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Two Aisles Across

ABCs and 123s were the building blocks of our lives. We learnt to read and write through it. We stumbled. We mumbled. We chewed on our words. We twisted our tongues. We bit our lips.

Before we knew it, we became fluent.

We started picking up our own books. We started reading alone. We refuse to be read to. We no longer asked to be read to sleep. We wanted more. We exceeded our time limits. We stayed up past curfews. When the guards came making the rounds, we shushed ourselves, held our breaths, and waited till he walked past. Then, we curled beneath our duvets and shone our torchlights and began whispering the stories turn by turn.

We picked up different genres. We knew science fiction. We knew teen romance. We met Roald Dahl. We met Stephen King. We quoted Gibran. We were inspired by Sis Zabrina. We fought over who was the best - Disney or Holmes. The Wind in The Willows surrounded us as The Very Hungry Caterpillar walked past. Our minds drifted with their words and worlds. All the enthrallings and enthusiasm of a teen spirit.

Then we looked over the next shelf, we saw Kipling. We saw Albom. We saw Coelho. We saw Attas. The mid to heavyweights. Oh! Don't forget Dr Seuss too.

And when we looked down the hallway, leather bound philosophies stacked to the firmament, it sank in. This was going to take a lifetime.

Monday, January 9, 2017


December has always been a favorite month of Anna's.

Anna found the solemnity that the winter offered as endearing. What else is more beautiful than walking down the streets covered by blankets of pearl white snow, having the privilege to feel the cold breeze dancing against her skin, being given the ability to draw in the precious stale zephyr that's going through the lining of her trachea, making its way into the never ending and continuously expanding and shrinking pair of lungs, and be able to heave it deeply, blowing it out into shape of O's, while her staring at it in wonder and excitement.

It was truly a form of euphoria for Anna.

She was now snuggled against the cushions of her sofa, with herself facing the window, feasting her eyes with the view of the falling snowflakes outside. Rather than feeling euphoric over being given the privilege to enjoy the beauty outside like always, she could feel solemnity and dullness blanketing her, together with the coldness of her living room that is so profound that it's made its presence already in her bones.

She stared at the parcel in her hands, never once her eyes left it. Slowly and carefully, she opened it and as she scanned the contents of it, immediately her eyes were clouded with tears and soon enough, the tears brimming were already making their way down on her sunken cheeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

The Time We Talked About Attachments

You don't have answers to a lot of your demands.

Do you take it as a demand?

To want, to hope is a demand isn't it?

To want is but a selfish desire. Often construed by one's insatiable lust. Often illusioned in clouds of reasoning and logics, embezzled by words and phrases.