Tuesday, December 5, 2017

[051217] - Hari Pertama Si Syita'


Hari ini hari penting dalam hidup aku.

Perlahan-lahan sedang belajar curate artikel dari serata industri. Walaupun belajar di bidang Medicine, membaca tentang banyak isu sentiasa menjadi favorite pastime aku. Tech, science, finance, business, physics, astrophysics, geography, poetry, psychology, medicine, religion, language and more - semua aku kaut. At least aku tahu tentang sesuatu topik walaupun tidak in-depth. Nak kata secara surface pun, insyaallah tak juga. Buktinya?

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

[291117]


My view for the next 12 months. Thank you for always supporting me.

"Bangkit balik."


Monday, November 27, 2017

Saturday, November 25, 2017

[251117] - Enough


"I used to think the years would go by in order, that you get older one year at a time. But it’s not like that. It happens overnight."

- Haruki Murakami, Dance, Dance, Dance

Thursday, November 23, 2017

There's Something About Autumn


There's something about autumn.. 

There's something about autumn, 
that breathes the ending into beginnings and closure to all love stories.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Favorite Part


"This is my favorite part in the Quran. Someday, read it to me."

"Where?"

"This."


قَدِ افْتَرَيْنَا عَلَى اللَّهِ كَذِبًا إِنْ عُدْنَا فِي مِلَّتِكُمْ بَعْدَ إِذْ نَجَّانَا اللَّهُ مِنْهَا ۚ وَمَا يَكُونُ لَنَا أَنْ نَعُودَ فِيهَا إِلَّا أَنْ يَشَاءَ اللَّهُ رَبُّنَا ۚ وَسِعَ رَبُّنَا كُلَّ شَيْءٍ عِلْمًا ۚ عَلَى اللَّهِ تَوَكَّلْنَا ۚ رَبَّنَا افْتَحْ بَيْنَنَا وَبَيْنَ قَوْمِنَا بِالْحَقِّ وَأَنْتَ خَيْرُ الْفَاتِحِينَ.

 [7 : 89]
 

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

[151117] - Nuskhah Maqārā

Ustaz Muktasyaf
Quick update:

I've been mulling over this for almost four months now. Well it was actually a lot longer. Probably since a year ago but never had the time to carve out a working plan for it cause of, well, stuffs. Alhamdulillah managed to outline them, managed to schedule and insya-Allah I will be releasing a methodical book plan to hafaz the Quran.

I'd like to call it نسخة مقارى (Nuskhah Maqārā). I was sure it's out there somewhere but since I couldn't find it I might as well make one.

Friday, November 10, 2017

[101117] - When You Choose

Photo by Trina Christian on Unsplash

A soft thud. 

I closed the back cover, exhaling a wistful sigh as I stretched my back slowly against the pillow cushion. I smiled, looking over at the pair of young brown eyes looking back into me, wondering what else I was going to say.

It was accustomed to her, my dear Ily Solehah, that I would usually end our bedtime story with a lesson. After all, we've been on so many adventures with every possible book I have had since I was her age. There was always something to talk about.

But this time, it was a bit different.

There's a happy conclusion. An ending that we would make up and fought over and finally agreed upon together. She was giddy, bouncing up and down on the mattress. Four years-old and already this heavy huh, you must have taken after your mother.

She loved Ms. Fitz, so did I. She wonders about the adventures of Jack and Anne, their magical abode high in the trees - so did I. She loves hearing riddles of ancient civilizations - so did I.

"Papa," she quipped, "hurry up." She's doing the sideways-rocking thing again. Hey, I know where you picked that up from kiddo.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Period of Stay: 7/12/2017


I can't believe how time flies by so fast when you don't look at it. I still remember the first time I boarded the plane to Cairo. It was on the night of 27th of September 2012. Wasn't much of a fanfare, really. The occasional tears, the occupationary hugs, and the occlusive goodbye kisses.

As I round-hugged my family members and brother's in-laws, I remember dropping the floodgate and let those emotions run through. If I am going to cry, I am not going to cry alone, I thought. It'd be months before I see them again. Years before my mind came back as a whole again. This may as well be the last time I see you. Right here, at this gate.

Vows were exchanged. Promises pinkied. Forgiveness asked. A promise, to come back only when I am done. To come home as a full-doctor. A human. A changed human.

And while some others began tearing up at the entry gates right before boarding, hanging to their last phone calls considering it'd be the first time a big majority of them ever boarded an airplane, I understood how terrifying it could be.

But I don't forget my promises. Ever. Things could have change. Things may have change. And things do change. But I don't ever forget the promises I made. I know I can't always keep them, but I won't allow those who love me see me fail. When you truly love someone, you don't fail them or let them fail you. You fight even a losing battle. You - can do it. And you - must do it.

As I sat alone at the end of the chilled metal bench, looking out the ceiling-high windows, rains pattering against the glass laid back on a black cold canvas - I could almost see my colleagues' breaths fogged up the glass. Those breaths contained first hopes. Budding hopes. And beyond those tapestry of prayers, a silent white machine hummed majestic, eager to help fulfill those destinies it'd be carrying.

While others sobbed and said sorry to their loved ones, I sat alone, deep in my thoughts. Rehearsing my future years. Yes, I didn't know what plans laid bare for me in those dark nights. Those rains that came down was the perfect moment for prayers so prayed I did. A hell lot of them. 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

[120217]


I had a dream about you. We were old. Probably 80s. You were on your ward room bed in your hospital gown. I saw your frail white hair and shrunken skin.

I shakingly held your cheeks between my palms and gazed down your brown eyes. And I saw the tiny speck of cloud in your right eye.

"Bus fuuk. Bus yamiin. Bus taht," I checked. "Hmm. You have glaucoma," my thin worn voice whispered.

You smiled and  waved, "Pfft it's fine".

I leaned in and kissed your forehead.

*

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Serendipity



And if I'm being honest? I don't think you realise that you love someone until you do. I think that what makes it so beautiful. There's no loud screeching halt sound inside your heart, no neon signs that, light up and lets you know you have found your favorite thing.

No. I don't think it works like that. I think it's quieter, much calmer. One day you're sitting across this person and you're watching her telling the same story you've heard of fifteen times and, and everything inside you feel safe.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Closure



What should I say
From where to how
I drop my head
And you look at me
That awkward silence

I don’t love you
You probably already know
Even if you cry
My heart doesn’t hurt

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Twentieth June, Two Thousand Seventeen

"We're all crazy here. We're all a little mad."

Kita pernah dilanda hujan sepanjang perjalanan yang kita lalui. Kita pernah menghadap terik matahari yang tak tahu kita sedang cuba menghindarinya. Kita pernah melawan arus sungai yang deras. Kita pernah menyelami lautan.

Kita pernah melihat matahari itu terbit, bersama. Kita pernah memandang bulan purnama, lalu kita terdiam, terpesona.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Lukisan


Kamu boleh menulisku bila mahu.

Kamu boleh jadikan aku kalimat tanya dan soal, sekaligus menulis sendiri jawapannya. Kamu boleh menjadikanku kalimat pernyataan, walaupun berupa berbagai kiasan yang tafsirannya takkan pernah lelah kita bahas dan ertikan. Sebagaimana kita selalu lakukan, atau kamu sudah lupa?

Kamu pun boleh menulisku sebagai angka. Menjadikan aku hari, minggu, bulan, tahun dan saban waktu kala kamu berjuang menjadi diri sendiri di hari muka. Membawa bilangan harapan dan doa dan kudrat dan pengalaman - tak terkirakan. Atau menjadikan aku angka yang menunjukkan waktu-waktu tertentu saat kau dilabuh kesepian.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Place Behind It All


I was not suicidal in that 'woe is me' type of way. I did not consider myself a victim or blamed anything on anyone but myself. I didn't see the world as this horrible oh so cruel world that was impossible to live in.

I was suicidal in that I desperately needed everything to stop. I desperately wanted to not exist. To disappear. To not matter. To be lost in non existence. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To just fade as if I was never important. Never real.

To not feel suffocated and confused. Numb but screaming. Erratic and panicked like I was drowning.

The exhaustion pushing me to the edge in that I wanted to stop trying to swim to shore. To just sink to the bottom and swallowed by the darkness.

That's what it felt like.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Our Garden


The tears of Heaven scatter
deep in my heart they abide
upon the bushes of lavender
they pelt alone far and wide.

I wish desperately to remember
the days of evergreens and wildflower
but this bereavement is ruthless,
so hollow it carved me helpless.

This grief inexplicable, the loss unbearable;
the roses withered in sorrow so poignant.
Inside I crumbled, an empty facade in my shamble
And my legs betrayed me beneath the old linden.

I shiver in the cold like any other nights, Mother
The tempest nights of nightmares and reverie
That I dream of you by my side, a frightened fleur
and hold me in your embrace so warm and free.

Sometimes it’s too hot the thistle bends,
And the snowdrops hanged meek to the barren fence.
Sometimes the gates of Heavens would shatter,
Washing away the lone night’s pain and prayer.

My fraught whimpers are nothing but sober and sere
mere words don’t linger long, they don’t linger here.
For they are echoed in songs into the auburn evening
and my thinned broken smile they portended nothing.

But I miss you

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

"Please don't."

Salam. Aku bukan pelajar IIUM pun tapi aku nak kongsi pengalaman aku yang baru sahaja di diagnosed dengan depression beberapa bulan lalu. Tak tahu admin akan share atau tidak but here it goes.
Aku pelajar Tahun 3 Medik di India. Universiti kami mengamalkan sistem 2 tahun kelas teori dan baki 3 tahun klinikal dan aku sekarang kiranya di tahun pertama klinikal.
Pada sekitar November 2016, di awal posting pertama hospital, aku perasan sesuatu dengan diri aku. Aku tiada selera makan, tak boleh tidur, elak diri daripada jumpa kawan, suka bersendirian, hilang motivasi belajar sampai skip kelas, hilang minat membaca (hobi aku membaca), dan paling serius sekali bagi aku, aku rasa sedih yang amat dan nak menangis je tak kira masa.
Ada satu masa tu, aku tengah clerk case. Patient depan mata aku, aku menangis! Aku fikir, “Eh gila ke apa aku ni?” Aku cepat cepat lap air mata dan sambung examine patient sebelum orang lain perasan. Ada masa pada waktu malam ketika aku tengah jalan balik dari hospital ke hostel, perasan sedih tu kuat sangat hanya Allah je tahu masa tu sampaikan aku jatuh terduduk menangis dalam gelap.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Teguh





Hendaklah engkau menjadi orang yang besar, yang sanggup memikul cinta yang besar.

Kalau tak begitu, engkau akan beroleh cinta yang rendah dan murah, engkau menjadi pencium bumi, engkau akan jatuh ke bawah, tak jadi naik ke dalam benteng yang kuat dan teguh, benteng yang gagah perkasa yang sukar ditempuh oleh manusia biasa.

Kerana tugu cita-cita hidup itu berdiri di seberang kekuasaan dan kemelaratan yang diletakkan oleh kerinduan itu sendiri.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Di Kaki Langit


Bagai meluruh cereka hati
senyum di kananmu
tawa di kirimu
seolah sempurna bahagia

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Mencipta Bahagia


Apakah yang paling ditakuti sang mentari pagi, selain awan mendung dinihari
yang menghalangi cahayanya bias, yang menutupi ruang sinarnya langit

Apakah yang paling ditakuti sang rembulan senja, selain awan kelam malam
yang mencadar kelambu gelap, yang menghitamkan ruang cemerlangnya bintang

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Slow Down



It's easy to say 
It'll all be okay
But that's always the way 
It goes 

Friday, April 7, 2017

[060417]


Di hati Muslim adalah nama Muḥammad. 
Seluruh kemuliaan kita datangnya dari nama Muḥammad. 
Gunung Sinai hanyalah olakan bagi habuk di rumahnya. 
Kaabah yang suci adalah tempat kediamannya.
Keabadian adalah sedikit dibandingkan sedetik masanya. 
Keabadian bertambah oleh hakikatnya.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Berjalan Ke Hujung Asa

Kasr El-Nil Bridge, Cairo

Biarkan saja mentari panas menyeka peluh asa
biarkan saja jingga kembali ke peraduannya
biarkan saja sakit ini menusuk di dada
asalkan semua tak menjelma dalam jiwa

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Kepada Pemeluk Teguh


Kepada pemeluk teguh

Tuhanku 
Dalam termangu 
Aku masih menyebut namamu 

Biar susah sungguh 
Mengingat Kau penuh seluruh 

 CayaMu panas suci 
Tinggal kerdip lilin di kelam sunyi 


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

[270217]




Kau cuma perlukan hati yang penuh Budi. Jiwa yang penuh Cinta
Dan kau mampu jadi orang yang berbakti.


Saturday, February 25, 2017

[240217]





عزيزة النفس ويكفيها بأن الله مولاها

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

[310117]



"Because you'll realize that what you've woken up to is better than what any dream could do."


Thursday, February 16, 2017

[130217]


Memory is a funny thing. When I was in the scene, I hardly paid it any mind. I never stopped to think of it as something that would make a lasting impression, certainly never imagined that eighteen years later I would recall it in such detail. I didn't give a damn about the scenery that day.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Two Aisles Across


ABCs and 123s were the building blocks of our lives. We learnt to read and write through it. We stumbled. We mumbled. We chewed on our words. We twisted our tongues. We bit our lips.

Before we knew it, we became fluent.

We started picking up our own books. We started reading alone. We refuse to be read to. We no longer asked to be read to sleep. We wanted more. We exceeded our time limits. We stayed up past curfews. When the guards came making the rounds, we shushed ourselves, held our breaths, and waited till he walked past. Then, we curled beneath our duvets and shone our torchlights and began whispering the stories turn by turn.

We picked up different genres. We knew science fiction. We knew teen romance. We met Roald Dahl. We met Stephen King. We quoted Gibran. We were inspired by Sis Zabrina. We fought over who was the best - Disney or Holmes. The Wind in The Willows surrounded us as The Very Hungry Caterpillar walked past. Our minds drifted with their words and worlds. All the enthrallings and enthusiasm of a teen spirit.

Then we looked over the next shelf, we saw Kipling. We saw Albom. We saw Coelho. We saw Attas. The mid to heavyweights. Oh! Don't forget Dr Seuss too.

And when we looked down the hallway, leather bound philosophies stacked to the firmament, it sank in. This was going to take a lifetime.

Monday, January 9, 2017

Farewell


December has always been a favorite month of Anna's.

Anna found the solemnity that the winter offered as endearing. What else is more beautiful than walking down the streets covered by blankets of pearl white snow, having the privilege to feel the cold breeze dancing against her skin, being given the ability to draw in the precious stale zephyr that's going through the lining of her trachea, making its way into the never ending and continuously expanding and shrinking pair of lungs, and be able to heave it deeply, blowing it out into shape of O's, while her staring at it in wonder and excitement.

It was truly a form of euphoria for Anna.

She was now snuggled against the cushions of her sofa, with herself facing the window, feasting her eyes with the view of the falling snowflakes outside. Rather than feeling euphoric over being given the privilege to enjoy the beauty outside like always, she could feel solemnity and dullness blanketing her, together with the coldness of her living room that is so profound that it's made its presence already in her bones.

She stared at the parcel in her hands, never once her eyes left it. Slowly and carefully, she opened it and as she scanned the contents of it, immediately her eyes were clouded with tears and soon enough, the tears brimming were already making their way down on her sunken cheeks.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

The Time We Talked About Attachments


You don't have answers to a lot of your demands.

Do you take it as a demand?

To want, to hope is a demand isn't it?

To want is but a selfish desire. Often construed by one's insatiable lust. Often illusioned in clouds of reasoning and logics, embezzled by words and phrases.