Sunday, June 11, 2017

The Place Behind It All

I was not suicidal in that 'woe is me' type of way. I did not consider myself a victim or blamed anything on anyone but myself. I didn't see the world as this horrible oh so cruel world that was impossible to live in.

I was suicidal in that I desperately needed everything to stop. I desperately wanted to not exist. To disappear. To not matter. To be lost in non existence. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To just fade as if I was never important. Never real.

To not feel suffocated and confused. Numb but screaming. Erratic and panicked like I was drowning.

The exhaustion pushing me to the edge in that I wanted to stop trying to swim to shore. To just sink to the bottom and swallowed by the darkness.

That's what it felt like.

I didn't want death. More specifically I wanted non existence.  I had no desire for anything else. No fire in my chest for the things I used to love. No joy or happiness. If it wasn't grief it was anger. Rage. A screaming g voice in my head pouring out its hate into my thoughts like a venom poisoning my every thought.

It's not sane to want death. Its not reasonable to want non existence. To want it seems to be a stronger cry for assistance and compassion then for the empty abyss itself.

But you don't know that. You don't realize that. The confusion and emotions.  So intense they dilute your thoughts to the point of incomprehension.

If your suicidal desires are truly out of desperation then you'll answer to help. You'll want it. Seek it out. If not. Then you're gonna have to find out the real reason why you're so desperate in the first place.

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